Eat Box

It’s no surprise that we are obnoxious and ridiculous. It is also no surprise that some outsiders carry our pizza opinions with little weight. Granted they have reason.

When you’re watching TV and you see an ad for food that you know is bad for you, the first thing you should do is pick up the phone or get in the car and find and consume it as quickly as humanly possible. If you haven’t seen Pizza Hut’s “Big Dinner Box,” then my friends, you probably aren’t a total piece of shit. See link for reference. 5,000 calories for $20. Not bad. Two pizzas, breadsticks and chicken wings.

Who would have thought these things would be flying off shelves. Every time we went to order one we were sorely informed they had sold out of dough. Really? Sold out of dough? Apparently pizza hut makes their breadsticks fresh every day. I decided we didn’t need any shitty breadsticks but out of principle we should be compensated for the lack of a mediocre dinner side.

I called in, demanded the box, fabricated a setting of hungry children and angry football buddies that was believable enough to negotiate 2 medium pies, 14 wings and a 2 liter for the same price as the box. That’s an additional 6 wings and a 2 liter but no breadsticks. In addition, you don’t get the sweet fucking box that it comes in. It’s the details that make the difference. In any case, this would not be the only time I swindled a disgusting dinner deal at the expense of the poor local Pizza Hut manager.

Quick recap

1. Ask for “The Box”

2. They will say they don’t have any.

3. Say you have to have it because you have screaming kids and you’ve seen the commercial every 15 minutes.

4. Create your ideal bundled meal as close to “The Box” as possible and demand it cost $20. Use terms like “sweeten the deal” to drive your point home.

5. Get your food and eat every last bite knowing you may or may not have a heart attack or some other life threatening pain that comes with eating something so manufactured.